Part II: Pokemon
by starcrest
Summary: Duo plays as Ash and gets a reject Pokemon...Do not read if you like Pokemon, serious Pikachu bashing. Heh heh... don't worry, I'm just making fun of it. Rated R for very suggestive themes.


Disclaimer: Oh, you already know what I'm gonna say... It's not mine, yaddah yaddah... don't sue me, blah blah ... Quatre is hot, yap yap...  
  
  
  
Heero- Do I get Pikachu?  
  
Duo- No, I get Pikachu.  
  
Wufei- You weaklings don't deserve a strong Pok`emon like Pikachu! I, Wufei the Great, should rightfully own this Pok`emon!  
  
Duo- I know, we'll count up all the Pikachu merchandise we own, and the person with the most wins!  
  
Heero & Wufei- Hai!  
  
Duo- Okay, I have 12 things.  
  
Heero- I have…0 items.  
  
Wufei- Hah! I have 43 and 1/2 stuff!  
  
Duo-Where do you get half of something?  
  
Wufei- Quatre's pet homeless man ate the head off of one of my stuffed animals.  
  
Heero- I win.  
  
Duo & Wufei- You didn't have anything, baka!  
  
Heero- (*pulls out a pistol*) I win.  
  
Duo & Wufei- (*gulp*) You win…  
  
Duo- Awwwwww… Heero… Since you cheated, you owe me. I get to be on top! C'mon, let's go to the bedroom!  
  
Heero- Affirmitive. Mission accepted.  
  
Wufei- (*blood gushes out of his nose and he faints after watching the two boys enter a room. A few moments later, pleased moans are heard.*)  
  
Trowa- So do I get to speak now?  
  
Starcrest- Yes-indeedie-do!  
  
Trowa- Really? No more "…"?!!!!  
  
Starcrest- Uh-huh.  
  
Trowa- Say, where's Quatre, anyway?  
  
Starcrest- Feeding his pet homeless man.  
  
Trowa- Jeezus! I wish he'd just let that thing go! Sometimes he forgets to wash his hands after cleaning up after it!  
  
Starcrest- Eeeeeeewwww…  
  
  
  
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Part II: Pok`emon  
  
  
  
  
  
Duo, dressed as Ash Ketchum, ran as fast as he possibly could toward Prof. J's house. He had woken up late this morning--- of all mornings--- and was late for his appointment with Prof. J. Today he was supposed to get a Pok'`emon--- Yes, his very first! Last night he had contemplated on which one he'd choose--- Squirtle, a basic water Pok`emon, or Charmander, a fire type that would evolve into a Charizard if he trained it right. Or even better, a Bulbasuar. Yes, that was the one he wanted. Unfortunately, he was retarded last night and had had a dream that he was throwing a Pok`ball, which mistakenly was really his Pok`eball alarm clock. How pathetic, really.  
  
As he arrived, Duo noticed there was a crowd surrounding the stairway to the Prof.'s house and two boys bounding down the stairs to greet them. It was hard to get through, so he waited until the crowd slowly disappeared. Great, he thought, now I'll never get mine. I just hope there's at least one left… Duo stood in front of the Prof.'s door, humming "Barbie Girl" by Aqua, and pressing the doorbell non-stop. Then he started singing and shaking his booty as he did it, keeping the beat with the doorbell.  
  
"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, fashion plastic, it's fantastic, you can brush my hair, and dress me everywhere…" He stopped suddenly when the door flew open and his rival, Heero, dressed as Gary Oak, stood before him. Duo panicked. What was he doing here?  
  
Heero snorted and looked Duo over, considering whether to let this cute boy in or not. He thought for a minute and remembered that this was his rival. Ever since they had been children, they had always fought. Maybe he could get rid of the competition somehow…  
  
Duo frowned at Heero. He knew Heero would want to get rid of the competition, so he was going to be on his guard.  
  
"What the Hell do you think you're doing here?!" Duo accused him. "I know! You thought you could just wait here for me after you devised a plan to get rid of me! I bet you were going to rape me to traumatize me and then lock me in your basement to be your sex-slave! Well I have news for you, Pal-ly boy, it ain't gonna happen here!" Duo threw his hands on his hips and grinned at the boy in front of him." I'd rather do it at my house anyway."  
  
Heero rolled his eyes. " I live here, baka, and if I wanted to get rid of you, I would've just shot you."  
  
"So you're not going to rape me and lock me in your basement?" Duo asked, almost heartbroken.  
  
"Later. Come on, you're late." Heero led him to his grandfather's lab, where Prof. J. patiently waited. Heero almost immediately walked up to the small podium where three Pok`eballs sat patiently. He grabbed the one on the far right and placed it in his pocket.  
  
"Hey, which one was that?" Duo asked grabbing Heero's arm and trying to see over his shoulder. Heero just pushed him away.  
  
  
  
"None of your business." Heero grumbled under his breath. " I'm outta here." He left to start his journey. Duo watched him leave. No, scratch that. Duo watched his sweet ass leave.  
  
"My grandson certainly has a nice rear end." Prof. J. mused. Duo turned to look at him.  
  
"Alright, where's mine?" Duo ran to the podium and did "eeney meeney moe" until he landed on one. He picked it up.  
  
"I choose Bulbasuar!" The Pok`eball opened up in his hands, but was empty.  
  
"Taken by someone who didn't throw his alarm clock last night." Prof. J. quipped.  
  
Duo moved to the next one. "I choose Charmander then!" He picked the Pok`eball up in his hands, but alas, it too was empty. "Where the fuck is my Pok`emon?!" Duo yelled, angrily throwing the empty Pok`eball at the Prof. and nailing him square in the head. It bounced off his head and landed on the floor.  
  
"That one was also taken by a boy who woke up early." Prof. J. mused. "But don't worry--- you still get one. It's a reject though." The Prof. Walked over to the podium and pressed a button on the side. The Pok`eball sitting on top of it flew off and another one took the place of all of them.  
  
Duo picked it up and shook it. "How do I open it?" He threw it, and instead of opening like he saw most Pok`eballs do when they're thrown, it merely hit the wall and rolled around on the floor.  
  
"You have to say 'Go Pok`eball', or, 'Go Pok`emon', or something like that. Duh." Prof. J said.  
  
Duo tried it again, this time saying "Pok`eball, go!" and was successful at getting it (the Pok`emon) out. He watched in anticipation as the red light formed a creature. A yellow, fuzzy Pikachu stood, look around and sniffing the air curiously.  
  
"I got a rat?!" Duo yelled out, surprised and disgusted. The Pikachu, hearing this, Thundershocked his ass, and chuckled, if possible.  
  
"Yes, a rat. Now here's a thingy-ma-bob. Just point it at any Pok`emon you want and it'll tell you about it." Prof. J handed Duo a Pok`edex, and started pushing him out the door. "Now take your rat and get out. It's poker night and I need to get set up. Beat it, kid."  
  
Duo held his Pikachu in his arms along with the Pok`edex. "Damn, this sucks."  
  
He walked outside and down the stairs, only to be greeted by a mob of townspeople. Actually his whole family, a couple of ex-girfriends, ex- boyfriends, and one transvestite that was an accident, and that strange little homeless man that robbed him once of his lunch. Duo sighed, and greeted his psycotic mother, who handed him a backpack that looked pregnant.  
  
"I stuffed it full of all of your clothes, some snacks, a microwave for your microwave-able burritos, the microwave-able burritos, a computer, a box full of pictures of me so you won't forget who I am, Our cat, Mr. Chubbikens, so you won't get lonely, and twenty pairs of underwear. Oh my little boy is growing up so fast!" Duo's mother hugged him, and looked him over, then stopped and gasped upon seeing Pikachu.  
  
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!" She screamed, " A rat! Kill it! Kill it! Quickly!" A broom materialized in the air and she attempted to smack the little bugger dead. But Pikachu Thundershocked everyone's ass again, except the strange little homeless man because he was wear a car tire for a hat.  
  
Duo sighed again, shaking off all the soot on him after getting burned (Electrified, whatever.) and, after disposing of the unnecessary things, picked up his now comfortably light back pack and headed off.  
  
A few hours later, after Duo was long gone, his mother woke up and saw a lot of the things she packed for him discarded in front of her.  
  
"Oh!" She cried out. "He forgot his underwear!"  
  
***  
  
  
  
Duo strolled along, dragging the Pikachu behind him by the tail. Even though the Pikachu tried fussily to shock Duo, the attempts were in vain for Duo was wearing the hat made of car tire that he had stolen form the homeless man. Eventually they came across a river, where a pretty, shorthaired blonde girl sat fishing.  
  
"Hey there, sweetheart, how's it hangin'?" Duo chirped flirtatiously.  
  
"Low, an a little to the left," The other responded, not looking at Duo.  
  
Upon closer inspection, Duo saw that it was actually a feminine looking boy, wearing a pair of daisy dukes suspended by (duh) red suspenders and a yellow top showing his midriff. "Oh, you're a boy." Duo said, not sounding surprised. The boy stood up and faced Duo, looking rather annoyed.  
  
"Do you know how long I've been waiting for you? These damned shorts are riding up my ass. By the way, my name is Misty, but I'd prefer it if you called me Quatre, since I am a boy. Got it? Good, let's go. By the way, toss my bike in the river there so I have a good reason to follow you around and get on your every nerve. Kay?" Quatre watched and waited impatiently as Duo complied with his request.  
  
"Okay, okay, now… what's my line again?" Quatre pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket, read it, and tossed it into a bush. "Oh, Dammit! That was my only bike you little creep! Now I'm gonna follow you around until you pay me back, which is never because there'd be no point to my character!" Quatre yelled, actually sounding angry, and then, in his natural, more calm and happy voice, he said: "Okay, friend, let's go. I'll assume your name is Duo, right?"  
  
Duo nodded, somewhat dumbfounded. They set off, still dragging the rat by the tail.  
  
***  
  
When they reached their destination, which was Pewter City, by the way, they immediately went for the gym. They went inside and met a Chinese man meditating with his eyes closed. Quatre stopped at the end of the arena, as he was supposed to, and watched Duo approach the Gym Leader.  
  
"I think he's asleep." Duo called to Quatre. Quatre just nodded, filing his nails.  
  
"I'm not asleep, you baka! I'm awake and aware of everything. I am Brock, but you will call me Lord Wufei! I watched you walk in with your girlfriend and approach me. You have a girlfriend?! You are a weak little bastard! Only weak men have girlfriends! Women are weak! You have a girlfriend! Injustice!" The Chinese boy ranted on, and finished about three hours later.  
  
"First of all," Duo started, "Your eyes are closed. Second of all, that's a boy."  
  
"Have you come for a Pok`emon match?" Wufei asked, drawing out his katana and standing up. " I accept you challenge!" Wufei walked out to the middle of the arena and Duo ran out to the other end to face him.  
  
"Alright, my first battle!" Duo said to Quatre excitedly, who was reading Twist Magazine.  
  
"Your horoscope says you need to gain more experience before challenging a stronger force and watch out for your possessions, because they might get stolen." Quatre warned Duo.  
  
"Oi, nobody really reads those things, ya know? It's just a bunch of crap." Duo picked up Pikachu and threw it into the arena as far as he could.  
  
Wufei kicked the Pikachu with lightning speed. Duo gasped and got furious.  
  
"Hey, what did you do that for? Send out your Pok`emon already!"  
  
" I do not need Pok`emon to fight my battles for me! Only weak people use Pok`emon! I am strong enough to win my own battles." Wufei sheathed his katana and began walking back to his perch. "You brought a weak animal in here and lost. No badge for you!"  
  
Duo gathered up Pikachu in his arms and walked over to Quatre. "I think we should go to the Pok`eCenter. Pikachu looks pretty bad."  
  
"No shit, Sherlock. I think if I got kicked in the face, I'd need a hospital too." Quatre retorted.  
  
They ran as quick as they could to the Pok`eCenter and waited in the waiting room. After a few minutes of arrival, a tall, handsome young man with a Chansey walked in to greet them. He was wearing a nurse's dress and he had one huge bang covering his one eye.  
  
"I'm nurse Joy, but please, call me Trowa. I take care of Pok`emon," he said without any emotion.  
  
"Oh, yes. The Gym leader kicked my Pikachu in the face. It needs help." Duo said handing the unconscious rat to the man.  
  
"Well what do you want me to do with it? I can't cure brain damage." He said, shaking the Pikachu to wake it up.  
  
"Please. Nurse. Joy. Fix. Up. My. Friend's. Stupid. Rat. We. Will. Be. Ever. So. Happy." Quatre said in monotone, eyes glued to the magazine.  
  
"Oh, well since you've asked so nicely, I guess I can do it." Trowa said, handing the Pikachu to the Chansey. It carried the Pikachu away on the stretcher. Trowa remained, staring at Quatre's legs.  
  
"You know," Trowa said to Quatre, " I'm a guy in a dress, you're a guy in girl's clothing. I'd say that it's destiny."  
  
Quatre looked up, and those mushy heart things popped out of his eyes. "Wow, I've never liked guys before, but you're cute!"  
  
"Hey, when's my Pok`emon going to be done?" Duo asked Trowa, who ignored him and went back to flirting. Duo sighed and watched the room where Pikachu went into. A ding was heard, and Duo spun around to another door to see Chansey emerge with his pet/partner/ rat.  
  
"Hey, I thought you went through that door." Duo mumbled. He took Pikachu from the Pink round thing and thanked it. "Hey, Misty, let's go! We're going to kick Wufei's ass now."  
  
From behind the counter, Quatre popped his head out and looked at Duo, a little dazed. "Five more minutes …"  
  
"No, now! We gotta go!"  
  
"Hold on then let me put … this back on." He stood up putting his shirt back on and reattaching his suspenders. Trowa stood up behind him, fixing his clothes back up.  
  
"Your friend sure is a tight ass," Trowa grumbled to Quatre. Suddenly, the room filled with smoke, and there was an explosion. When it cleared, A man with long, silver hair and a woman with short blue hair stood back to back, and a Meowth with a girl's face and forky eyebrows stood in front of them all.  
  
"Leaving so soon? We need to steal Pok`emon first!" The man said.  
  
"Yes, so let's sing our theme song and steal them already," the woman said.  
  
"Meowthdorothy!" The Meowth/ girl said.  
  
"Prepare for war!" The man said.  
  
"Times it by four!" The woman said.  
  
"There's only three of us…" The man whispered to her, and she blushed.  
  
"To protect the colonies from devastation." The man continued.  
  
"To prevent the Earth from becoming one nation."  
  
"To destroy everyone that fights for truth and love."  
  
"To extend our reach to the stars above! Jesse, or otherwise known as Noin!"  
  
"James, or call me Milliardo, if you will."  
  
"Team rocket blast off at the speed of light,"  
  
"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"  
  
"Meowthdorothy, that's right!" The girl-faced cat said.  
  
Trowa ran into a room and came back out dressed as Officer Jenny.  
  
"You're under arrest Team Rocket," He yelled out.  
  
"What the Hell?" Duo said, astounded by such stupidity. Pikachu jumped out of his arms and zapped Team rocket into space.  
  
"Team Rocket's blasting off again!" Team Rocket yelled as they flied away.  
  
"Good job Pikachu!" Duo cheered, as he grabbed Misty by the arm and ran to the gym.  
  
Wufei was there, awaiting them. "I knew you would return, for the horoscope said so." He took the position he had before in the middle of the arena.  
  
"Okay, Pikachu, just like you did to Team Rocket, except keep him here so we can get the badge." Duo threw Pikachu into the arena again, and cheered at it.  
  
"Pikaaaaaaaaaaaa…" Pikachu crouched down and began summoning it's lightning bolts.  
  
"Oh, what's this? A rat? You brought me this weak Pok`emon again?! Injustice! Why don't you fight me yourself, boy?" Wufei put his hands to his hips and laughed maniacally. Pikachu got angry, and zapped him. A lot.  
  
Defeated, Wufei fell to the ground, got up, and bowed in front of Pikachu. "Forgive me. You are stronger than I am. I will follow you and learn your style of fighting." He pulled out a boulder badge and threw it at Duo. "It is yours. Please allow me to join you."  
  
"Can you cook?" Duo asked.  
  
"Of course." Wufei replied.  
  
" Good, you can accompany us as our cook."  
  
"Thank you, Master."  
  
***  
  
The three of them set off, winning many battles, getting seven more badges to qualify for the Pok`emon league, ran from Team Rocket, and witnessed many make-out scenes between Quatre and Nurse Trowa/ Officer Trowa. Of course throughout the whole journey Wufei ranted about Quatre and Trowa, Pok`emon, and why Judge Judy is just so damn cool. Eventually, the group wound up back in Pallet town.  
  
***  
  
  
  
After resting at Duo's house and surviving Duo's Mom, the group went to Prof. J's house to brag to him. On the way there, they ran into Heero.  
  
"So we meet again, Heero." Duo said, eyeing Heero. Heero glared at Duo (big surprise) and then let his eyes drift to his rival's companions: A crazy Chinese guy and a blond dude in girl's clothes.  
  
"It's time to battle!" Duo declared, pointing at Heero. He threw Pikachu (once again) into the imaginary arena.  
  
"Hn. Mission accepted. Go, Wing Zero!" Heero threw a Pok`eball out and a Gundam emerged. "Self destruct." Heero commanded, holding a button in his hand. The wing Zero blew up, blowing Pikachu sky high. When it came back down, it was nothing more than roast chicken (well, Pikachu. You know what I mean.)  
  
Out of nowhere, the strange little homeless man ran out and picked the roast rat up, ate it, and burped. "Thanks, guys. I've been starving for days. Now who wants to give me a sponge bath?"  
  
The whole gang, including Officer Trowa/ Nurse Trowa and Heero laughed happily, thankful the rat was dead.  
  
"Hey, party at my house! Everyone's invited!" Duo cheered.  
  
The end  
  
  
  
Epilogue-  
  
  
  
After the party, Heero and Duo got drunk, and did something naughty that resulted in six adorable puppies, a toilet papered house, and a seagull. Trowa and Quatre got married and ran away together to San Francisco. Wufei went back to Pewter City, and resumed position of gym leader. Team Rocket died after being blasted so many times. I mean, who the hell would survive that anyway? Wing Zero got drunk and attacked an officer on duty and got arrested. Before it's arrest, it led a high-speed chase on the highway and appeared on cops. The strange little homeless man got rich selling car tire hats that were thunder rat resistant. 


End file.
